Are you modest? Then you don’t like to show off your achievements. It is a trait that is often not only appreciated but also seen as a good quality to have in many cultures. The Dutch for instance are known for a “just act normal as that’s crazy enough” mentality. However, modesty can also work against you. In fact, there are people who are so modest that they miss out on opportunities, let others walk all over them, and are unable to stand up for themselves. This can lead to bigger problems in our personal as well as professional lives. 

Being modest is not the same as introversion

First, let’s get clear on what modesty means. When you understand this well, you will also better understand how modesty is not always a trait that works in your favor. Being modest in itself is rarely the problem: it is the combination with other qualities that can cause problems. For example, being modest is not the same as introversion. You can be outgoing and modest. Modesty comes in different ways. The classic perception of a modest person would be someone who doesn’t like to be in the spotlight. He/she would be subdued and would prefer to be in the background. The question however is, is this a form of modesty or introversion? Or maybe a lack of self-confidence? It is usually a combination of several factors.

What exactly does being modest mean then?

There is actually no fixed definition of modesty. The dictionary definition would be something like: “not thinking too highly of oneself.” That is indeed what modesty means at its core. As with so many things, there are several sides to this definition. Modesty can often manifest itself in the following ways:

• You are very careful, not pushy.
• You do not have high expectations of yourself and you will not give the impression to others that you have a high impression of yourself.
• Compliments you receive (partly) invalidate you: ‘Your hair looks nice!’. You would answer ‘well, are you sure because I haven’t done anything with it.”
• You don’t rate yourself too highly, but your self-image is realistic.
• When someone offers you something, it is refused or you ask whether the other person really wants to give it to you.
• You give a lot of space to another person.
• You will never take more than you give.

Not everyone who is modest will agree with all these points. You can also approach being modest in a different way. It is absolutely possible to be modest and to have high expectations of yourself. In that case, it is mainly about how you express those expectations and how you respond to feedback from others.

Being modest, yet confident

Let me give an example to illustrate this. Consider Lionel Messi. Lionel Messi is considered by many to be the best footballer in the world or even the best footballer ever. Being in the spotlight is part of his profession and status. Yet in speeches during award ceremonies, you often hear him first handing out compliments to his teammates. He realizes that he could never have achieved his absolute peak performance without them. In 2021 Lionel Messi won the Golden Ball, the prize for the world’s best footballer. Many people expected Robert Lewandowski to win this award. In his victory speech, Lionel Messi immediately indicated that he thought Robert Lewandowski should have won. This too is being modest.

Why am I citing this example? Lionel Messi is not someone who does not have high expectations of himself. Insiders indicate unanimously that he expects and demands nothing but the best of himself. He is probably also convinced on the inside that he is the best. But he does not flaunt it and is humble. Conclusion: you can be confident and demanding, yet also modest.

How being modest can be a disadvantage

Now that we’ve covered modesty from different angles, it’s time to look at how modesty isn’t always a good thing. Although modesty is seen as a beautiful character trait, it can also work against you. When you are too modest and give too much and take too little, it can eventually cause stress and if you do not intervene in time, it can lead to a burnout. That is precisely why keeping this trait or quality in balance is of great importance. To know how to ensure balance, a core quadrant offers a solution. This model indicates the pitfall and challenge, but also the opposite of modesty comes to the fore.

• Quality: Modesty
• Pitfall: Invisibility
• Challenge: Personal & professional branding of oneself
• Allergy: Arrogance

If you are too modest, there is a chance that you will obliterate yourself so much that you will become invisible. The challenge for someone who is modest is to put themselves out there. This means that despite being aware of your qualities, talents, and experiences, you prefer to stay invisible. However, to succeed, one needs to be able to profile themselves the right way. Be authentically and confidently visible. This can be achieved through branding oneself the right way. By branding, you can distinguish yourself from others. The opposite of modesty is arrogance. To keep a healthy balance in your modesty, it is therefore important to learn how to brand yourself. But don’t overdo it, because even then you will end up with arrogance.

The opposite of modesty is often not good either

As mentioned above, the opposite of modesty is arrogance. Someone who is arrogant will say out loud and to everyone what his/her talents are, will take more than give and think highly of him/herself. The combination of modesty and personal branding, therefore, ensures a healthy balance. You may still put yourself in the background and take less than you give, but at the same time you clearly know what your qualities and talents are and you dare to express your opinion confidently.

Keeping a balance is important. While modesty can cause you to stay invisible, arrogance can cause you to be too present in a negative sense. It is a character trait that is generally not appreciated.

3 Tips to be modest without neglecting yourself

1. Learn to express yourself, learn to be vulnerable

Are you someone who always keeps your opinion to yourself? Let others’ mistakes slip through your fingers? Or someone who does not dare to address inappropriate behavior? Time to learn how to express yourself, and to be resilient. It is important that you dare to stand up for yourself, and that you express yourself. This may feel vulnerable, but it is precisely this vulnerability that binds people. Learn to apply vulnerability, your life will become more fun and adventurous if you dare to be vulnerable because you don’t have to hold back anymore.

2. Talking about yourself is different from bragging

People who are modest are also less likely to talk about themselves. It may not feel good or you may think that others do not want to hear about it. It is important to remember that talking about yourself is different from bragging. But talking about yourself, about what you’ve been through or what you’ve accomplished is actually good! Share with the world who you are, and what you do or can do. This actually helps you to profile and brand yourself better.

3. Work on your confidence

The more confident you are, the less you doubt yourself and the more comfortable you are with who you are and what you do. By working on your self-confidence, you will eventually experience that it is easier for you to give your opinion, dare to talk about yourself and your achievements and it will be easier to take up space so that giving and taking are in balance.

Conclusion: modesty can be beautiful but also problematic

Being modest is a nice quality, as long as you don’t overdo it. Know that you too can take up the space and say what you think and or feel. If these tips come too late for you, and you experience a lot of stress or have burnout because you have given more than you have received for too long or have let yourself be walked all over for too long, then it’s time for a change.

We can provide support to reduce stress, boost your confidence, and balance your personality traits. Curious about what we can do for you? Please get in touch with us for a non-binding free discovery session today!