How to deal with setbacks
Life can become unacceptable. You have lost something that really mattered. Because of it, you just cannot get back to yourself, to who you really are. That job that you lost, that failed relationship or marriage, that disease or a shattered dream has sucked the life out of you. You are in this dark black hole and cannot move, you can just watch your life pass you by while people around you seem to be doing well, growing and evolving personally and professinally. You wonder what happened. This is not the life you had wanted to create for yourself. This is not why you did all that was in your capacity not to end up like this and look at you now, you are living the life you were running away from.
Exhausted
After so many blows, rejections, failures, you start convincing yourself that, that idealised future is completely out of your reach now. When life is unliveable, every day is a struggle with reality. You wake up like a train-wreck with all these negative emotions of how it’s just another day full of disappointments, and it feels like shit.
You are angry, full of resentment, and ashamed of yourself. Whatever your particular emotions be, intuitively you know: ‘this is not how the story ends’. You know that feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to change your situation but what else are you supposed to do?
Self-pity won’t help
When we’re stuck and not moving forward, doubt and uncertainty creeps in. We lose faith in ourself. The future looks bleek. ‘Well when things haven’t worked out so far, why will they work out now?’ Or comparing ourselves with others who started out at the same time after university or got married at the same time but are doing far better in their careers or lives. This makes us wonder what we did wrong to end up like this.
This feeling of hopelessness makes us believe that our life is fucked forever. ‘I’m so unfateful, I must*really* have no future.’ Or if one is brought up with the Eastern philosophy, one would say ‘I must have done some bad karma in my past life to suffer so much in this one.’ Self-pity is addictive but paves no way forward. It keeps us rather stagnant forever. Self-pity won’t let you imagine a different future for yourself, it is self-destructive.
Acknowledge that life is full of challenges but you can overcome them
You have done it in the past and it can happen again. It could be that you don’t feel you have overcome any challenges but you have. That test, that break-up, divorce, death in the family, moving to a new place, learning a new language, getting that job, starting that business, making new friends and so on. You have overcome some or all of these challenges, haven’t you?
At the same, it is also important to acknowledge that we will always deal with challenges in life. Some of these will leave us deep scars which will take a long time to heal or maybe never heal at all. In these situations, the comfort is in understanding that these scars will fade overtime, they will not be as prominent/overwhelming as they are now. You won’t feel as vulnerable as you do now.
What can you do immediately?
Have self-faith
When you are able to take charge of your life, you can control your own ‘destiny’/future. This allows you not to give control to external concepts such as fate, karma, or luck. Therefore, trying to cultivate a positive attitude will help in (re)creating self-faith. Evaluating your strengths and weaknesses, pursue your passions, and trust in your capabilities.
Have reasonable goals
To feel self-empowered, you can start with goals that are measurable and achievable goals in the sort term. This will also help you feel good about your achievements. If you want to e.g. get a job, start with editing your CV/résumé and applying for at least 2 job a day instead of 10 (to feel that you have done your bit) and nothing for the next 2 months. It is dumping for the sake of dumping. In this specific case, select the jobs carefully and be mindfu of why you are applying for them. Also, also applying for less jobs a day will allow you to customise your cover letter and CV for each job.
Being around the right people
When you are going thought rough phase in life, it is important to be around people who are like-minded, understand where you are coming from emotionally and can help you feel empowered to achieve your goals. It is also good for your mental health and will make sure you get out of the vicious cycle of negativity faster.
Self-Care
Self-care is all encompassing but what it boils down to is that you undertake activities that make you feel happy and good about yourself. It can be taking a walk in your favourite track pants, getting a facial done, going to the park, eating healthy or even having your favourite unhealthy snack. This allows us to relax and rejuvenate which makes us more productive. Self-care doesn’t end here. How about changing your negative self-talk and being kind to yourself? Instead of saying ‘I will never get a well-paying job’, try ‘I do not have a well-paying job yet, I can get it.’ As Abraham Hicks would say: ‘The fun in life is to find the desire and moulding yourself in harmony with it and watching the ‘Universe’ wink at you, all along the way. It isn’t the outcome that you want , it’s all the winking along the way.’ Hence, focus on the process and do not stress about ‘how will I achieve it’? Practicing self-affirmations also helps in staying on course with what we want to achieve as it helps in creating actions.
Be courageous
For a long-term happiness, it is extremely important to get out of your comfort zone. This is not going to be once or twice but many a times in your life that you will have to step up to the plate and put yourself out there.
Putting ourselves out there requires us to be courageous but it is the only way to create new opportunities. Put yourself out there whenever you can, be it with work or social commitments. This also means being in control of your life’s journey and progression.
Creating an action plan
While taking care of yourself, surrounding yourself with the right people and doing affirmations will be huge steps in the right direction, you will still need to take action. You will not achieve your goals overnight, you will have to create an action plan and execute it.
If your goal is for instance to move to another country, list the actions you’ll need to take to achieve that goal, network on e.g. LinkedIn with recruiters from the country, apply for jobs, find a house and to do all this, establish a schedule with deadlines for each action point in order of priority.
