Everyone could use a little more self-love: we are often harder on ourselves than on others. Here are my best tips, which I think can be useful for a lot of people out there.

Selflove

Take responsibility for your life

Your life is yours, so claim it! I am convinced that what you experience is a message for you. That applies to both positive things that you experience and the less pleasant things that happen. In that case, don’t put the blame on others, but see what it has to say to you. What can you learn from it? Can you prevent it next time, and how?

For me, the biggest setbacks in my life were the major turning points in my life. I used to be always concerned with what others thought of me. But I didn’t want to grow old feeling that way, like the women (my mother, my grandmother, etc.) before me. I realized that I alone am responsible for my life. That I have to create my own happiness by putting myself first.

I realized that everything that happens and what I experience has to do with me. If things don’t go the way I hoped or expected, there’s a reason. With all the things that I experienced and that affected me, I asked myself the question: what does this tell me? What positive can I get out of it? Because every situation also has a positive side. This is how I took responsibility for my own life and tried to create a safe space within i.e. self-love.

Don’t always discount yourself

Women, in particular, are a star at this: adapting and taking others into account by obliterating themselves. This is a nice quality to have until it comes at your own expense, and you don’t feel comfortable with it. Already in my early childhood, I learned to attune myself to the atmosphere in the house and to the moods of (toxic) family members around me. So, it was quite a job to learn to put me first. But it worked. And you can do it too! As they say, what you focus on grows.

How did I do this? I started working on more love for myself. I started to focus on accepting what is, letting go of what has been, and building trust in what can be. It also helps to accept you cannot change the toxicity around us, you can only focus on yourself. I started to focus on the beautiful things and practice gratitude (as much as I could). I had less and less inclination to efface myself to infinity. Use your feeling as a gauge. If I’m not feeling well, I immediately check to what extent I’m discounting myself and what I need to feel better.

Take care of yourself 

You don’t necessarily have to tell your reflection in the mirror that you love yourself. After all, there are plenty of other ways to increase your self-love. For example, by taking care of yourself consciously. Transform the bathroom into a luxury spa resort (metaphorically speaking) with a few candles and music and take the time for a wonderful evening of pampering: scrub your skin, apply a face mask and take a foot bath with magnesium salt or delicious oil. Bet you’ll feel better about yourself after that self-care session! See your body as your ally that helps you every day, takes you everywhere, gives you energy, and makes you live. That’s fantastic isn’t it? So be careful with it.

Be gentler with yourself

If you can (and will) be a little kinder to yourself, you’re taking a huge step forward in self-love. Self-love has a lot to do with how you talk to yourself, how strict you are with yourself, and how you feel about yourself.

How kind are you to yourself? Ask yourself the following questions:

• To what extent can you receive a compliment without weakening or contradicting it?
• What do you say to yourself when you do something ‘wrong’? Do you count yourself hard on it? Are you punishing yourself? Or do you see it as a teaching moment?
• What do you think when you see yourself naked in the mirror in the morning?
• What do you think about yourself on days when you don’t feel well?

This is how you become milder to yourself:

• Make a compliment really sink in by saying ‘thank you’ instead of questioning it. Even better: ‘thank you, I think so too!’
• See a mistake as a learning opportunity. Putting yourself down because you made a mistake makes no sense. Learn from it, that way you will get better and not worse. It is no longer a failure.
• Give yourself a big wink in the mirror instead of a disapproving look at your ‘problem zones’.
• Accept what is and don’t make it bigger, scarier, or more annoying in your head.

TIP: Don’t just make a ‘to-do list’ (I have to do this) and a bucket list (I want to do this), but also a ‘to be list’ (that’s how I want to be). My ‘to be’ list includes being true to myself. I do this by regularly making time for me-time. In those moments I feel the best how I am doing, and I fully recharge my battery.

Make time for yourself: me-time.

When was the last time you spent a lot of time in a bath or on the couch without haste and without feeling guilty? We often take me-time but don’t enjoy it to the fullest, because in your mind all the things that still need to be done pass by. Another reason we don’t do this much is that we don’t allow ourselves to be with ourselves for a while. Do you think you should ‘earn’ me-time or is it a regular part of the day?

Quality trumps quantity. Know that quality me-time is not an unnecessary luxury, but an important moment to recharge yourself. Make time for it. Start with 5 minutes and build up to half an hour or more. Don’t have time for this? Then you should do it right! Moreover, you get more done when you regularly take a break and do nothing.

Do the things that make you happy

When you’re happy, it’s easier to feel self-love. In other words, when you make yourself feel good, you can increase your self-love. What are you in the mood for? And what does your body need? This can yield two different answers.

Some suggestions for more happiness:

• Write down 3 things every day that made you happy. 
• Meditate. It helps against depression and anxiety.
• Go outside more often, preferably into nature.
• Do something that makes you happy, even if you aren’t. A positive experience or emotion displaces the negative mood.
• Listen to nice music.
• Help others in whatever way you can. Helping someone else makes you happy instantly. Both you and the other.
• Surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with.

Manage your energy level

Check regularly how high (or low) your energy level is. Having plenty of energy is linked to feeling good. And when you are comfortable in your own skin, you can experience more love for yourself.

You increase your energy level with a good night’s sleep, but also by getting moving. Put on cheerful music and dance and sing along. Or go for a long walk.

Embrace your shadow sides

This is one for the more advanced: if you love yourself 100%, you also accept your less flattering qualities, such as insecurity, jealousy, fear of failure/rejection, and dark thoughts. Everyone has them to a greater or lesser extent. What matters most is how you deal with this. Be aware of your emotions. They can indicate when a shadow side is active. Don’t stand in your shadow, but don’t run away from it either. Look at it and embrace it.

How do you embrace the feeling that is triggered by your shadow sides? Where in your body do you feel this? Bring your attention to this place and breathe into it. Do you find this difficult? Then pretend to direct your breath to that spot by visualizing it. You soon notice that the feeling decreases in intensity.

Believe in yourself

Believe in your strengths. Everyone has qualities and everyone is unique. You are too. Appreciate who you are and what you do and don’t focus on what you are less good at. You can strengthen your qualities by inspiring and nourishing yourself mentally. It helps to read an interesting book and to watch inspiring videos. This also increases your energy, your good feelings, and your self-love.

Love starts with yourself, with love for yourself. You can’t give away something you don’t own. Self-love is not the same as selfishness. Self-love is propagating that you add as much value to this world as anyone else. 

The author – Monika Gogna – is a business consultant, mediator, and international coach. She can be reached at [email protected].