Self-criticism is like a bad trainer: it undermines your self-confidence and makes you perform worse. But with a simple trick, that inner critic in your head becomes an enthusiastic coach.

Talking to yourself

Early in our childhood, from about 3 years old, we start talking to ourselves, discovered the famous Russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky. He observed children playing and heard them instruct themselves, something they did especially during difficult tasks. According to Vygotsky, these conversations have an important function: they help children to direct their behavior and to organize their thoughts.

We used to have clearly audible conversations with ourselves in childhood, as we get older – from about 7 years old – they become more and more internal and automatic. Over time we also develop a certain tone – which we are not always aware of. For example, do you give scold yourself when a project goes wrong? (“You suck at this!”) Or is your inner critic showing more compassion? (“Never mind, you did your best.”)

Echo from your childhood?

Some psychologists think that our inner critic is mainly an echo of the voice of our parents. If you were often spoken to sternly or disapprovingly as a child, your inner voice will too. If you have often received praise, the voice will sound more positive.

But comments from teachers and peers also determine how we talk to ourselves, shows research by Australian psychologist Paul Burnett. Children who were more likely to hear positive things from the people who mattered to them spoke more positively to themselves – even if the praise wasn’t specifically aimed at them (“Well done everyone!”). Yet it is by no means clear to everyone where that inner critic comes from.

The inner critic as a sports commentator

Compare your inner critic to a sports commentator. He’s watching you closely from the sidelines, whether you’re giving a presentation at work (“You can do it!”) or trying on swimsuits in a changing room (“You’re getting fat”). It makes quite a difference whether you usually speak positively or negatively to yourself, according to scientific research into self-talk.

For example, depressed and anxious people, but also perfectionist types, are more often tormented by their inner critic and can suffer from the imposter syndrome. But not only our feeling, but also our performance is partly determined by the tone of the voice in our head. In addition to being a commentator, he is also the trainer who influences the outcomes of the game.

Much research on the inner critic has been done among athletes. Not surprising, because they are regularly exposed to stressful situations in which they have to perform optimally – and in which a critical voice can throw a spanner in the works. To gain insight into what goes on in the minds of athletes who fail, researchers had professional cricketers review video footage of their matches. The footage was stopped at the moment of the miss, after which the investigators asked what the player said to himself. Some players appeared to motivate themselves (‘Hold on!’) or give instructions (‘Keep your eyes on the ball’), others called themselves names.

And that affects their performance. In a meta-analysis of previous research, British sports psychologists conclude that a motivational, positive inner voice reduces anxiety and improves focus. Athletes were found to jump measurably higher, throw darts more accurately, or cycle faster. Remarkably, the researchers found no convincing evidence for the destructive effect of negative commentary on sports performance.

Positive Criticism

Not only on the sports field, but also in the workplace it is good to speak positively to yourself. The American researcher Steven Rogelberg and his colleagues had managers write a letter to themselves about their own performance and to see how positive or negative their self-criticism was.

“You are good at what you do. The next time you get a compliment, accept it instead of dismissing it,” one of the managers encouraged himself. While another chided herself about the mess in the workplace: “Are you still canceling appointments and still showing up to the wrong meetings?” Leaders who spoke positively to themselves were considered better leaders by their employees and superiors.

Don’t kid yourself

But how do you get that inner voice to motivate and coach you instead of tearing you down? Positive affirmations are popular in the self-help literature. Think of statements such as “I can do it”, “I am loved” or “I am strong, powerful, nothing can stop me”. The idea: If you say things like this to yourself often enough or put it on a note on the mirror and read it often, you should naturally start to believe in it.

But is that really so? To test this, Canadian researchers had subjects repeat the statement “I am lovable” to themselves. The result of this was remarkable: only subjects who were already quite self-confident felt better as a result. Unfortunately, for people with low self-esteem – those who needed it the most – the opposite was true: they actually felt worse about themselves.

Psychological distance

How could that happen? According to the researchers, positive affirmations are not very credible for those who do not think highly of themselves. “When people feel they fall short in a certain area, these positive statements emphasize the difference between who they are and who they would like to be.” So, telling yourself that you are incredibly valuable when you don’t feel that way is counterproductive.

Surprising new research from psychologist Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan and his colleagues provides insight into what does work. The key, according to Kross, is that we learn to take more psychological distance from ourselves in difficult situations, to become less absorbed in ourselves. As a result, we experience our emotions less intensely and that helps us perform better. “We often struggle with distancing ourselves in the West,” Kross told Psychology Today magazine. “We need a mechanism, a trick, to get out of our heads.”

Simple trick

And that trick is actually quite simple. Kross discovered that even a small change in the wording of the positive things you say to yourself creates more psychological distance. We often speak to ourselves in the first person (“I can do it”). But if you talk to yourself as to a friend (“Monika, you can do it”), it increases the chance of success.

Kross found this out by giving his subjects an impossible task: they had five minutes to write an important speech in front of an audience. They also had to prepare mentally. Some were instructed to use ‘I’ as much as possible during this process, for others ‘I’ was taboo; they had to use their own first name. The result? Those who used their first names performed better during the speech. And – as a bonus – they didn’t worry as much about how they’d done it afterwards.

“When we’re dealing with strong emotions, it helps to step back and observe ourselves from a distance,” Kross says. According to him, we are a lot smarter when we advise others, and we get that smartness back when we keep our eyes wide in difficult situations by calling ourselves by our first name.

The idea that a less egocentric perspective tempers bad emotions is supported by brain research by Kross’ colleague Jan Moser: the emotion center in our brain – the amygdala – becomes less active if we don’t talk to ourselves in the first person. Moreover, distancing yourself helps to increase your self-control (“Monika, it is best to leave these chips behind”).

“Other things that are important to you

So it helps to take a step back in difficult situations. Researchers at Cornell University recently discovered that you can simply focus on other things that are important to you. This broadens your view of yourself, and you are less bothered by your inner critic.

The researchers did this by confronting students with a moment when their academic performance was falling short, while at the same time making the students think about how important other, non-academic, roles were to them (such as that of an athlete). The effect was positive.

The explanation? “If you fear to fall short in a certain area, it dominates your self-image, causing the negative thoughts and emotions” they write in their research article. However, if you broaden your self-concept by thinking about roles that are also important to you, then the attack on your self-esteem becomes a lot smaller. So, the next time you’re about to give a presentation, you can also cheer yourself up by remembering that you’re a great cook, loving friend, or partner.